There are the people in your life that clearly know they belong in it, but will never come into it in any desired capacity.
There are people in your life that believe that they belong in it, but you will never let in.
Then there are those people that come in believing that have all right to be there, and you agree. Then the pursuit of all that love entails.
The hunt as it were. The state of being together, but not really together, and them in your life makes everything sweeter, and lighter, and easier. They make loving yourself easier, because they love you.
I have one like that. It took me years to not think of him without my heart fluttering. If you’re honest, you have one like that too. The person that no one can hold a candle to, or someone that is the archetype of what a good mate is, or the best boyfriend or girlfriend. The person your heart remembers.
I remember taking a Psych class, I remember the name of it was called the Study of Psychodynamic Substances. A fancy name of the drugs that alter your mind, as it were. There is something the class referenced to called EM.
This is short for emotional memory. Now, stay with me because I’m about to help you out. This type of memory is purely somatic. Meaning, your own body has a memory independent of the more sentient memory–memory and memories you store in your brain.
In this class, this type of memory is totally based on sensations and impulses–or even catalysts to or of both ideals.
That BLEW ME AWAY.
To find out that my body had a (bleep) memory? That changed game forever. Why? I could then begin to put a name to what it was I was feeling.
Keep in mind, I’m happily married now. I’m a college grad, a mother, a writer, a blogger and with like 9 other things I want to do and see before I leave the world and go back to God.
But I am aware of the ‘ghosts’ in my life that have this effect on me. Those people that come into thought when I try and do something else, concentrate on happier things. Most of the time I’m successful–I keep some at bay, have exercised the others to the point they are non-existent.
But there is one that I have to remain armed at the ready over.
Even admitting it sounds like a form of defeat. It shows where the glitch in the armor is. It shows where I can be hit at–a heart map, if you will.
The Unshakeable One.
This is the one that makes you think ‘what if’. This is the person whom at a thought is able to cause emotional havoc in both spectrum directions depending on where you are emotionally. The one that can show you where it is you could go if they would only come in.
The one that you never envisioned having to live life without, only realizing the indignity of having to. The one that when you hear their name you have to pretend that you won’t cry or scream, blush, get horny thinking about or become incensed.
The one that knew what every inflection of voice meant, where every mood came from, the one that could soothe you with a look. The one that your heart sang such sweet sonnets for.
The one that didn’t know what they wanted, but knew they wanted you, but you would wait your life for.
But I suppose you do, don’t you?
In Julius Ceasar, the most famous line quoted is by Ceasar’s wife, Calpurnia, in Act 2, Scene 2, page 2:
“Cowards die many times before their deaths;
The valiant never taste of death but once.
Of all the wonders that I yet have heard,
It seems to me most strange that men should fear;
Seeing that death, a necessary end,
Will come when it will come.”
In this quote I find solace when it relates to the Unshakable One.
I know that in accepting of what is not, and may never be, I have marked the end of what once was and is no more.
I am of no illusion of what time has given, and even, stolen from me. I accept that life before him and after him have indeed been marked.
In the marking, in this death, I do not fear.
He presence may come, but it cannot remain…at least not always. He gave me a glimpse at forever but left me with mortality, questions and the desire to know just how on Earth he had gotten such a hold on me.
I wondered often, alone, out loud and with tears, how had I loved someone with lioness ferocity, with the fidelity of a Queen…and not be with him?
It stunned me.
As a writer, I had to find the glitch in the script. I had to get to the plot twist, only to realize…*Alejandro and I were the plot twist. We were the glitch in the system.
I didn’t think what he found in me and me in him was even able to be found in anyone anymore. What we were reaching for didn’t make sense to heartbroken people, cynical people.
We were a celestial anomaly–and I loved it. I reveled in it. I had found something akin to jasper, diamonds and topaz. I loved him and he loved me. And I knew from the DEPTH of me that he did.
After being in a broken state after a necessary (I cannot stress how necessary it was to leave that dude alone) breakup in the Summer of 2002 I was still hurting when I met *Alejandro that December. We exchanged numbers and when I heard his voice? I blushed. BLUSHED.
As our affection grew, he was a heart starter, I could breathe again. He reminded me I was intelligent and gorgeous and worthy of love. Nothing could be so, would be so amazing…and I enjoyed it.
The more I got of him, the more I wanted and the more we gave to each other. The amazing thing? There was nothing like anything before or since…how could I not want it? But yet…here I am and there he is and…was.
I understand every love is different, indeed, and I am and was thrilled he reminded me that I was worthy of it.
*-Not his real name.