Seeking, Sought, Fulfill

For so long, I

forgot what strength

was and the ability to

realize what it truly is

I have been shattered more

than once,

being forced on such

occasions to put shards

back together on instinct

not truly knowing how,

and at the same time knowing

that the whole, once I make it

so will be different than

it ever could hope before

somehow along this path

the fire that I relied on was misplaced,

the passion was taken

what I once saw in myself was

falsified, made a mockery of

I had no way of knowing that it was

gone until I made attempts to

find it once more and could not

understand why I could not draw upon it

 

such things cause the heart to cry,

force the spirit into dark confusion

yet, hope remains…stable and true…pure beneath the underneath

lying in wait for me to find it once

more, whispering softly that I can, I shall, I will

and it can be done

I find these shards, moving past the fear of

losing them, and even looking for them

fearing that they may never be what I wish, will and want

them to be again

I find them in weeds, among the sands, in murky waters

and in roses, they were always here

 

as the pieces are found, they are put together

slowly, glowing in faith…the faith that was never taken

my spirit heals, begins to hover

the embers surrounding this jewel that I
hold, glow and crackle

it has never been extinguished, merely smothered,

smoldered, and unsuccessfully snuffed…somehow the

embers…these small certain things remain

they will burst forth soon

I find more shards,

more lost pieces of me that I thought

I would never attain again

the charm, the wit, the sureness of self…

Hidden in tall grasses, behind the vacant and

unused potential

these embers become small flames then

soft burning begins

it whispers louder now

telling me that all that I need, I have

and I will always have

 

I am not my circumstances, stumblings, shortcomings or laziness

 

I need not look to those who

have no intent on showing me whom I may

be, who I am or what I am capable of

my spirit becomes whole

again, the fire returns, the fire that

I have sought in others through word

and deed,

I find more shards to this jewel

this ever-present and precious gem

it is mine to protect, and I have not done so

at the best of my talent

as I realize these things, the more shards

appear,

I am half done with it now,

each time I acknowledge where I have fallen

I know that I cannot remain amongst these that still remain

wallowing in what they may change but have

no desire to…they have lost themselves

just as I have…just as I did

 

I wipe my brow, bandage what is broken

and I continue, I have no

choice but to do so

I must find all of me…I must seek my jewel

my own power

my ever-present being…I must prove to myself
that the eyes that peer back into mine

in mirrors are truly mine and

I am a worthy and able to look back into them

they will no longer be chilled and distant

passion will return, faith will be

squared and solidified, the fire will fuel this drive

I will not linger, or tarry where I am not

able to keep this jewel into

the light where it must be

to allow the light to decorate the many

facets, spilling and dispelling the

darkness that wishes only to

draw me into its fathoms once more

where there is no warmth

no trust, no love, only deception and stagnance

I must arise from this from which

I have fallen into

preserve the jewel that has be given to

me, I must find all the shards

the light must return to it

it must in order to heal and soothe my

aches, and wash away bruises and tears

once it is whole, I will be

whole, I will be me once more,

lost nevermore

(c) Jennifer P. Harris 2004, 2017

*Performed June 2017 at The Center on Vandeventer at a book signing event hosted by Southards Art Studio.

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