Dear First Husband

Dear Thomas*-

There was a quiet about you that I don’t think many people know or knew. Few people knew that you really wanted a house, some land and somewhere to fish. Few people really know that you never really wanted anything bad to ever happen to me, and to us, did you?

In this the summer of the 6th year of being divorced, I can honestly say I no longer hate you. Whatever man you decide to become, you will remain it at this point. The only thing that I have asked is that you decide what type of father you want your daughters to remember you as. However, in that forging of raising them, I have dared ask myself the following:

“How did it all go so left?”

In asking that, I have to take ownership of what I allowed my part to become. We were young, we were 22 and 25. Here, I should have let you grow up. I should have seen where your head was at, and how you could maintain in times of crisis. I should have listened to the hitches in my spirit and not the words or actions you exhibited. I wanted someone that would protect and love me always. I don’t think you were prepared to that at 22. I should not have expected you to do that.

I should have been honest with you about the things that bothered me, the Shadow Work I had yet to do. I didn’t know how to be a wife to anyone, and was just learning at 25.

When our first was born when I was 26, the anchor I needed dropped, and I needed more from you. I needed security, and structure and permission to build with you without you thinking that I was trying to take over everything. I did it, everything that I did, because it had to be done. I could not trust you.

I should have allowed you to be the man you needed to be and not make you into the man I wanted.

I’ll say it again:

I should have allowed you to be the man you needed to be and not make you into the man I wanted. And for that, I am sorry.

There are incidents that will remain cloaked in history because of the children we must care for, however, I should have acknowledged that you weren’t ready for anything I offered, tried to offer or gave. You just weren’t ready, and I tried to make you be the husband I needed you to be–and I didn’t even know what that was or would look like.

 

*For the sake of the children we share, I have chosen not to reveal his real name. I met him when I was 24. I thought he was sweet because he was quiet. I was used to all these loud people trying to vie for my attention. I gravitated to him because he offered quiet. For those that have really weathered a storm alone, you value quiet. Just be mindful of whom you get shelter from.

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