Consider this my final plea. Hear my heart. It may save a life. -JBHarris
I have mentioned my abuser only by a pseudonym. I have no idea where he is, and have no desire to let it me known where I am. There is nothing that I can say to him, and nothing that he can say to me. There is nothing else to be said.
The one thing that I have mulled over, thought about, and frightens me are his hands. I could not believe that the same man that held me to him, made love to me, opened my body and made it sing, tried to kill me.
The most vivid memory I have is us fighting and him grabbing me around my neck and I couldn’t get free. I choked me until the world went black. I thought I was going to die. I stood, 5’10”. Adam stood 6’5″. And almost 300 pounds. He picked me up, I felt my body be buoyant. I remember him saying “I’m not done with you.” He picked me up and tried to throw me to the floor. I remember I kicked, not screaming and pushed off the wall with what I can only describe now is a Marvel comic kick. I remember I hit him in the face with my fist and ran from him. I had never thought so hard, and been so confident that my life was about to end.
In that moment, at work, him not working, I couldn’t do anymore. I told him the relationship was over. My soul broke. I was done. He told me, “I have to go the rest of the day like this!” Keep in mind, I had already been at work 8 hours, and had 4 more to do. I remember going to the locker room and crying. One of my co-workers, Keiyauna, told me this, “If he can’t see how motherfuckin beautiful you are, he never deserved you!”
That’s the thing no one tells you about abusive relationships. So much you is taken, until there is nothing else. Sometimes, this results in the very life you have. I had the opportunity to leave. I had the chance to leave, but I know there are so many that don’t get that sort of redo. I know there are women that don’t wake up when the world goes Black. I know there are women that wish the first time the relationship got crazy, they could have left.
I’m aware. I am aware.
What I am implore you to do is put your needs above the person that abuses you. This is what I mean. The person that is hitting you, hurting you, harming you may never change. They may never see the pain they have put you through. They may never see what they are doing as abusive. Your abusive may never, ever see what they are doing is wrong. By nature of these toxic relationships, they are monstrous. They are carnivorous. They devour all you have, and all you will become.
The choice to leave a volatile relationship is about self-preservation! Do not be tricked into thinking leaving makes you selfish. Do not make the mistake of being manipulated to stay where there is no hope of change. Or where your safety is in danger. For every situation that improves, there are 300 others where there are dead flowers.
I want no more dead flowers. The world needs no more dead flowers.
Hear my heart.
Loves, the first time someone hits you, the next time will be easier. The first time they hurt you makes the second time a no-brainer. Abusers take, and take and take until there is nothing else left of you–for you. When faced with the choice of you or them, pick you. Champion you. Be there for you.
Live, beloveds. Live.
[image from trailertrashtreasuretrove.com]