Dear 5-12-year-old Rebecca Loving:
We have been through so much. There are a lot of times when you thought that you had to be born to another family because no one understands who you are! They won’t get that dealing with being teased at school by your peers for being fat and smelly is not your fault. They won’t get how hard it is for you to deal with a mother who is not only addicted to drugs and alcohol, but along with one of her daughters? She is your biggest bully. They won’t understand the pain and strife of having to fend for yourself and wanting to be seen–hell, rescued!
Right now, in this space, all you can remember is your Dad’s funeral when we were four years old. At a young age, knowing that things will never be the same. Knowing that you will never receive the love and appreciation from your Dad’s family. Either you look too much like him and that can’t take the pain of that memory. Or they are jealous of him. Or, because you are of him, you feel the brunt of it.
I know that you want to be protected.
You want someone to come in and see what you are going through and save you from the family who mistreats you.
Unfortunately, for us my dear, that won’t happen.
Not only are you born into a family with a mother who was addicted to drugs, alcohol and men, but so was everyone else. If they were addicted, they were barely making ends meet. They couldn’t afford to take in another family member. So yes, my dear heart, you will have to suffer through it. You will have to go through the growing pains of trying to figure out why you weren’t good enough, or you were never wanted. You will have to grow up, even in high school facing so many obstacles and challenges.
I know it may hurt you to feel mistreated, unwanted, unprotected and unloved. Unnurtured. Dismissed. Demeaned. Or thrown away, misunderstood and sometimes feeling like you want to die. I promise that you will come out on the other side.
To my 5-13 year old self, I see your hurt and pain. Even though we were abandoned, I am glad that those many times we tried to take our own life, (that no one will ever know about), that we didn’t! Who you are becoming is everything that you wanted for yourself.
In this next phase of life, we are in right now, you are going to love her, be healed and become everything that no one expected of you!
We are about to walk in our greatness and no one is going to be ready for us!
BUT…before we get there? We MUST talk to our 14-19 year old self. The three of us have some things to address!