The Fear Of Flying

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Mid 30’s, single, no children, losing tons of weight, starting a new career…this is supposed to be a very exciting time. New money, new opportunities for growth and expansion, a chance to fix so many things I’ve let go…

I’m not excited. I’m kinda scared. 

I fear I’ve let too much time go by–that I’ve waited so long to take care of me, that it’s now too late to build the life I want. I am afraid that I won’t be able to hack it in the corporate world–that I’m biting off more than my anxious bipolar disorder burdened personality can’t ACTUALLY handle the social demands of working in an office again.  I’m afraid that everything might turn out well and my dreams will come true and I’ll have no one to share the rewards with. I’m afraid everything might turn out well and then I’ll ruin it and be houseless, poor and broken again. 

I’m afraid life might not get good for me. We can’t all have good lives. We can’t all reach our dreams. We can’t all be wealthy. We can’t all be worry-free. What if IM one of the people that doesn’t get a break? 

I pray. I write down goals. I work hard. I’m constantly coming up with new ideas that could be ‘the one’. I try so hard to focus on the goal and not the possibility the goal may not ever come to fruition. I don’t always succeed. I often pick myself apart for mistakes I made more than a decade ago because of the way the long game turned out. I made so many mistakes that have affected me even 20 years later. 

I’m afraid the ripples will never stop and waves of karma and consequences will never stop beating me up on the rocks. 

I’m even afraid that I’ll never stop being afraid because I’ll never recover from the mistakes I’ve made. I’m afraid my parents will never be proud of me. I’m afraid I’ll always be the loser…

I try not to focus on the fear. I try to focus on the goals accomplished and their prize: pushing the button and flushing the fear away. Praying does help calm me at the moment. Making plans based on the success of my goals helps to motivate me to keep pushing. I keep at it every day because I hope that being successful will quiet that increasingly loud ticking of time flying by between birth and death. I just want to be happy. I don’t want to be afraid of running out of time…

[image from pond5.com]

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