There is a peace that surpasses all understanding. I believe that aging–getting to and past 40–grants you a peace that you cannot conceive when you are young. My mother calls this ‘settling into yourself.’ I suppose that I am. I suppose looking at 40 grants you this.
But there is a peace that I have discovered in the middle of a pseudo-fascist regime, a racist-evil-crazy-demented president, a worldwide pandemic, motherhood and be an essential worker in the middle of it. I am learning now that the only thing I have, that I can even hope to control, is myself and time. Time. And I am at an age where I know myself, well–and think the woman I am becoming is completely amazing. I am at a place where I can be honest with myself in a way that being as busy as I was would never have noticed. I would have never noticed had the world not stopped. Truly stopped.
I have rested like I never have. I have embraced how my children are growing up. I am the mother of healthy children, with a sentient, classy, formidable mother and healthy aunts! I have blessings I have forgotten to count–because there was no time to count them before. There was no time before! Now, all time will be counted and marked as it has for Christ: before and after the 2020 pandemic. There is a peace I have found in this pandemic has matured me, has given me a focus I had only prayed for. I have gotten my Butterfly Muscles. What are Butterfly Muscles? It is having the capacity to change, the strength to change, calling fear a lie–and becoming what was always inside of you. The pandemic has given me my Butterfly Muscles.
Time is a tool!
In my Facebook memories, a Facebook friend, Rebekah Gordon, said this: “Rest is a weapon.” Caterpillars are sleeping butterflies–they will be butterflies longer than they were or will ever be caterpillars. That chrysalis? That room or time to change? Was always in them, and it often comes out when the time is right–despite the fact change is (or can be) inconvenient for the people around you. Change has to be done because it is within you! Find your Butterfly Muscles, Torches. Find them. Use them.
Change in secret or right in front of them. But change, the world is still waiting on who you were always supposed to be. Stunt on ’em, with no damn regrets.