Tag: family

For My Godsons and My Son

I had his name picked out. More than once:  Quintin. Joshua. Micah. And for reasons known only to God, I was given daughters.

But, I have a best friend that made me a godparent. From her, I am The godmother of four…three are sons.

Spending time with them is joy unthinkable. I want to put it all in my pocket or on a string. I want to give them all I hold and beyond to prepare them for the world…designed to hate and devour them.

My oldest godson will be nine in December. I tell him he’s brilliant, and handsome and can do anything. I remember praying for him as my best friend still carried him. I look forward to the man he will become. He looks at life like he’s going to kick a field goal.

His brother, will be four in January. I remember streaking to the hospital to see him.

His mother and I way past the best friend point, she’s my sister, and I remember holding him. I had everyone extend their hands and pray for him.

I remember feeling the weight of being a godparent then, thought of my own godmother. I thought of how wonderful she is, and if I could give a fourth of that between the two of them, that would be amazing.

He always tells me, “I love you ever.” I tell him, “I love you ever!”. His eyes  steadily widening along with his smile. I can never tell him no.

My youngest godson? He shares the name of the son yet unborn. He brightens my world, and I prayed for and over him too, sitting on his mother’s couch. Already, he’s curious about the world and everyone in it. He will be a year old in October.

Seeing my best friend, my sister, with her sons? It reminds me of just how diligent parenting makes you. Her fears are my fears.

As a godmother, my job if anything should happen wherein their mother cannot care for them, I’m to help in whatever capacity. She’s godmother to my daughters as well.

To my guys, the three that are here and the one yet to come, I offer this:

I love you. More than I can ever say or that you may ever see. I love you and will do all that lay in me to make this life as best I can for you.

The world at present is a dirty, mean place and sometimes I hate to see you out in it. But, I cannot hold you to me as the wide world outside needs you, and all you contain. My job is to make sure you remember that your destiny is there, and you must reach it.

Don’t be dismayed by people that don’t understand you, don’t like you because you’re different. Your job is to be you. 

Know that your godmother/mother is human. I will mess up, overreact, and trip. I will because you matter to me, dearest one. I want all that God showed me concerning you. Since He showed me, I will remind you.

In this current time, you may not remember all my words towards you. You may not remember my tears, my prayers or why I tell you God is so important to me, and should be to you.

You may not understand why I cry at the news and wipe my face when I see you. You may not remember how I fussed at you to do better, and when I was disappointed when you did things that I knew you knew better than.

But I want you to always know is there is nothing you could ever do, to make me not love you.

From that love, you can do anything.

Dear Phillip, the Last and First

Phillip…I love you.

I cannot express what you have brought to my world.  I thank you for being able to an anchor amidst everything else swirling round about. 

I want to thank you for all that you have done  in the life of our children and our family. I thank you for being able to take the whelps of a Mother Bear, and raise them as your own blood. I thank you for all you have done.

I have watched you grow into fatherhood. I watched you go from timid to tender. I have watched you be able to discern what is an imaginary monsters in closets or bad days at school. I thank you for being the thunder in the room that puts to bed all that is unruly or flight what would cause nightmares.

I have watched you embrace this journey of being a married man with children. I have watched you grow up that much more. I have watched you put hands and thought to what it is you desire to build; fortify what it is you want no one to take. I have watched you realize that strength sometimes means apologizing, listening and allowing space for life to not be perfect. I have watched you become more intent on doing the right thing for the right time for the best outcome. I have watched you walk in whom you’re going to be.

I have been witness to you being a better husband. I have watched you wonder after me, wanting to know why I do what I do for you. I only respond, “…because I love you, and want you to be okay.” I have seen you pour pieces of yourself into me, and into our US…and even when it has not turned out how you wanted.

We decided that we wanted to ‘do life’ together, and there have been storms we have encountered that would have killed average people. Those storms have rocked the boat we were in to the point that it splintered, and all that was left to hang on to…was one another.

All that is still left to hold onto…is one another.

In all that we have, and all that we will maintain…you told me that I could hang on to you…and you to me.

On Father’s Day, I want to thank you for all you have done for us. When it was easier to leave, leave broken and resign to apathy.

Thank you for the fight, babe. Thank you for not succumbing to the fears passed down and on that would keep you planted in malice, suspicion and doubt. Thank you for being what is needed when the right thing isn’t easy…or always comfortable.

Thank you for letting me know how not to be strong all the time.

Thank you for showing our children that Daddies are human, and they need love and support too.

Thank you for showing the girls that the man that says they love them, must SHOW them.

Thank you for being able to see past the pretty, and love the woman beneath all of it.

Thank you for being able to take my hand, and hold it, when all the world gets dark and scary.

I love you.